Three’s a Crowd by ‘X’
It was fast becoming apparent that Suzanne was dragging the show down. Sure, her ravishing good looks kept ratings up, but they also let her get away with far more than the other stars were allowed. She knew it too. From not showing up at all to berating cast members, crew, and extras, Suzanne Somers was a terror to work with.
“What are they going to do? I’m the star! Without me, there wouldn’t be a show!” she brazenly declared to an angry Joyce DeWitt after a particularly long day of shooting. Suzanne turned to go to her dressing room. As she did, she shook her voluptuous ass at Joyce and said, “I guess you know what you can kiss if you don’t like it!”
That was the last straw. Though smaller in size than her blonde rival, Joyce had been working out and taking self defense classes. Fuming, she followed Miss Somers.
“Open up, Blondie!” she shouted as she pounded her fists on the little trailer’s door. Eventually, Suzanne opened it a crack to tell her to beat it… and when she did, Joyce knocked her back onto a sofa and stormed right in, slamming the door behind her. Suzanne was stunned at the sudden brazen aggression shown by her co-star.
“You… YOU CAN’T COME IN HERE! GET OUT BEFORE I CALL SECURITY!” stammered Suzanne. She reached for the phone, but Joyce grabbed the chord and jerked it out of the wall. Suzanne had had her trailer soundproofed so she could relax in quiet. Joyce knew this and used it to her advantage.
“I’m sick of you, you stuck-up cunt! WE ALL ARE! Well guess what? That was your last episode, Suzanne! They can fire me for this if they want, but I AM going to teach you a little lesson!” Joyce shouted at the cowering blonde. Her hands held up to stop any blows to her face.
As Joyce looked around the trailer, Suzanne tried to make a break for the door. Joyce tripped her and wound up pulling her shirt off in the process. “Oh no you don’t!” she said as Suzanne tried to squirm for the door with Joyce’s knee planted in the small of her back.
“Please! Get off of me! Somebody get in HERE!” Suzanne wailed.
“Hey air-head? You had this thing soundproofed, remember? Scream all you want… they can’t hear you!” Joyce chuckled as she secured Suzanne’s hands behind her back with a pair of nylons she grabbed up. “Now get your ass UP!”
She pulled the frightened (formerly bitchy) blonde to her feet and pushed her over to the heavy chair at her make-up area. “SIT! Good dog!” Joyce said shoving her into it. As she was sitting there half naked, Joyce tied her feet to the chair.
“W… what are you doing? Joyce? Come on… I… I was only doing what they told me… they told me I was the star.. I… I never meant all that stuff I said… I…”
“Oh shut up. You honestly think I’d buy a single word you’d say? Geez, you really are a dumb blonde… but don’t you worry. You’ll be shedding that image here very shortly, dear!” Joyce said as she picked up a pair of scissors from Suzanne’s make-up table.
“Oh no… oh PLEASE not that… you wouldn’t… Joyce DON’T!” Suzanne begged as she saw Joyce moving in towards her long blonde hair. Joyce had a wicked grin on her face. There’d be no stopping her.
“Make-over time, Suzanne! What’s that? A little off the top? You got it!” Joyce laughed as she snipped off the first huge chunk of blonde locks.
From then on, it went pretty quick. Suzanne sobbed and pleaded and said how sorry she was for being a bitch, but it did no good. In a matter of 10 to 15 minutes, Joyce had cropped Suzanne’s glorious mane down to a short choppy mess. Suzanne cried and looked down at the mass of detached hair in her lap and at her feet.
“How you like this cut?” Joyce said grabbing her by the chin and forcing her to look in the mirror.
“Like it? I hate it you sick little bitch! I… I’m ruined!” was Suzanne’s sobbing response.
“Oh that’s too bad….” Joyce giggled. “I’ll fix it for you!”
Suddenly, the room was filled with the smell of Nair! Suzanne was supposed to do a commercial endorsement and Joyce had discovered a box of samples of the product. She was pouring bottle after bottle of it into a towel in the sink! “PHEWWW! Figures you’d endorse something that smells this bad. Nice tie-in with your acting, though! OK… I think it’s ready,” she said as she peeled up the saturated towel.
“What are you doing with that?” Suzanne asked nervously.
“Well you said you didn’t like your new haircut… I’m just evening you up!” replied Joyce cheerfully.
Suzanne’s eyes widened when she saw it was about to be wrapped around her head! “NNNOOO! I like the haircut! I like it!” she cried.
“Sorry… too late! Here we go!” Joyce said as she wrapped the warm wet towel around Suzanne’s new hairdo. To insure she wouldn’t shake it off, Joyce wrapped it extra tight and tied it in place with a sash from one of Suzanne’s robes. “Get it off! Oooohh! It’s tingling… Get it off! Please!” Suzanne said, thrashing her head around. Joyce just laughed and made a joke about hearing marbles rattling. She let the Nair do its work and went to looking around the trailer.
“Hey, you bitch! This is my camera! You’re a thief, too? And look at this… it’s got a fresh roll of film in it! Bet you’ll REALLY regret taking this from me… haaahaaahaaa!” Joyce said as she took a shot of the shirtless Miss Somers. She then picked up the scissors again and cut off Suzanne’s skirt. “You may as well show it all… that’s what your public wants!” she said as she pulled the tattered garment away. Suzanne was wearing pantyhose, so Joyce pulled away the crotch of them and snipped open a hole ‘for viewing’.
“Wooo! You’re already shaved down here! How nice! Oh, they’ll love seeing this!” Joyce smirked as she stroked her rival’s smooth snatch. She then stood back and took a few more pictures. “OK! I think it’s been long enough! Let’s see how your hair… teehee… came out!” It had been close to 45 minutes when Joyce went in for the unveiling.
She undid the sash. Suzanne was nearly exhausted and no longer put up much of a struggle. “This is a dream… this is a dream… this is only a dream,” Suzanne said softly. If only that were true.
Savoring the moment, Joyce slowly peeled back the sticky towel, which was now littered with tiny clumps of platinum blonde hair. “Oooh, lookin’ good!” she said as she dropped it to the floor. A few patches of hair were seemingly stuck to Suzanne’s well rounded head. Joyce went to the sink and returned with a wet rag. “Let me just clean you up a little,” she said as she wiped off the remaining Nair… and every last trace of Suzanne’s precious hair!
Joyce stood back and admired her work. A wide smile filled her face. “I think that ‘do is you, slut!” she said as she turned the chair back to face to mirror. Suzanne’s eyes REALLY widened this time!
“Ohmygod… I.. I’m bald! I’m completely bald! Look what you’ve done to me! Why… I’m ruined!” Suzanne screamed.
Joyce just laughed and took a half dozen more pictures, capturing Suzanne’s reaction to her new look for posterity. “We’ll see if your fans think you’re so damn hot now… won’t we, Baldy? Oh and… uhhh… I’m not sure this show is ready for a bald beauty like you! What do you think, Chrome-Dome?” Joyce was relentless in her taunts.
“Why don’t we get the staff’s reaction?” Joyce said as she undid the binds on Suzanne’s feet. “Let’s go!” she said as she dragged the hairless humbled actress over to the door with her hands still tied behind her back.
“N…no! Not that!” pleaded Suzanne.
“‘Fraid so… they need to see you,” Joyce said as she pushed her out, followed her, and locked the door!
“HEY EVERYBODY! SUZANNE WANTS TO SHOW YOU HER NEW LOOK!” Joyce yelled at the top of her lungs. The naked and bald ‘jiggle queen’ had no way of covering up as Joyce pushed her out into their midst.
There was a brief silence, quickly followed by clapping, cheering, and taunts directed at Suzanne. “Now get lost!” Joyce said, slapping her on the ass. Suzanne, sobbing and trying to avoid the cameras, ran off and was not seen on the set again. Joyce followed her with the camera until she ran out of film. The pictures began showing up everywhere a couple weeks later.
With it known Suzanne Somers was now as bald as a billiard ball, her acting career took a serious down slide. Joyce had her revenge… and everyone else’s for that matter!
This is a work of fiction. No such events ever took place and it is solely the product of my over-active imagination. If you don’t like it, fine. Move on to the next one.