Darg Daggert glanced out the window and watched as the Thragian Battlecruiser moved slowly by. The Thragian Empire had certainly grown since Darg was small. He recalled the Thragian invasion vividly and could remember distinctly as the peace-loving people of his home planet Dor-Mat were (yet again) conquered by a space empire.
It had been horrible. The Thragian Storm-Nazis had landed in Thragian landing barges and had proceeded to subjugate the peace-loving people of Dor-Mat who had rather unwisely banned all weapons as instruments of violence. The invasion of Dor-Mat had taken 27 minutes. 27 horrible minutes. Thragian Storm-Nazis had set fire to his Torgoth and his Scarfak, had demolished his RG-789 Grakothon and then trashed his Angulan Framometer. It was despicable. His parents had been taken away in a Thragian slaver and were never seen again. Well, not by Darg anyway. I mean, they were probably slaves somewhere but Darg didn’t get to see them.
Had Darg not been away with his space-dog hunting Groflaps in the caves of Bram-Dor-Flop he surely would have been taken away as a slave as well.
“That’s one big fuckin’ spaceship,” Darg thought. “I don’t know how you can put something that big into space. I mean do you launch it up there? Or do you build it up there? Beats the hell out of me.” Darg fiddled absentmindedly with his Dor-matian space tunic that marked him as a member of the Xarkian clan, or Clan Xark, as they were known.
Darg turned around and looked at his crew. “Well, I vote we forget that idea about starting a rebel movement. I mean, did you see the size of that fuckin’ thing? All we have is this Matian garbage scow. It was a dumb idea anyway. I mean I’m Dor-Matian, you know? We’re pacifists. We don’t know shit about fighting. Plus, my parents were taken away so long ago, I hardly remember them. It’s really no big deal.”
“Darg Daggert, shame yourself! We Carthons spit in the eye of the empire! I am a Carthon warrior! As the obligatory bellicose mutant-looking space guy, I demand that we take action!” Gorf shouted, spittle flying from between the tusks on his fur-covered face.
“Gorf has a point,” said Princess Sintheee. “We cannot allow the Thragians to take over the entire galaxy. I have been dethroned and the Thragians have taken my planet as well as all of my stuff. I intend to make them pay!”
“I must concur with her majesty,” said the Groveltron 3000 robot servant to Princess Sintheee.
“Shut up robot,” said Darg. “You are all fools! We are so insignificant. One Dor-Matian, one Carthon and a Princess with her 12 beautiful, extremely long-haired servants,” Darg shouted. “How can we defeat a galactic empire?”
“We will need a plan,” said Gorf.
“A plan? A plan? We’ll need more than a fuckin’ plan you idiot! Do your eyes work? That thing that just went by was at least 40,000 gorgaks long. It has a crew of at least 7000 and carries 200 phtok kannons as its armament not to mention a Glagian Blaster and we need a plan? We’ll need an army at least!”
“An army!” shouted Princess Sintheee. “That’s it! Darg, you’re a genius!”
“Of course. We’ll dress up like an army and board the Thragian battlecruiser. We’ll take it over and then fly back to planet Thrag and destroy it with the Glagian Blaster!”
“That’s crazy!” yelled Darg.
“Yes… just crazy enough to work,” said Gorf with a grin.
“But how will we look like an army?” said Darg.
“Well, first we’ll have to give my 12 beautiful, long-haired servants army-looking haircuts,” said Princess Sintheee.
“I knew you were going to say that,” said Gorf.
“Get the space clippers!” yelled Princess Sintheee.
“Yes, your majesty,” said the Groveltron 3000.
“I don’t get it,” said Darg.
“Princess Sintheee has a thing for haircutting. It drives her bananas. She’s totally turned on by it. Just watch,” snickered Gorf.
“I’m sorry, but this is getting really bizarre,” said Darg.
The 12 beautiful long-haired servants were marched on deck and told to strip so that hair did not mess up their serving robes. They were then ordered to sit on space-stools. 12 nubile beautiful nude bodies submissively awaited the shears that would steal their beautiful hair. Long golden hair, and brown hair, red hair and black hair. Straight and flaxen as well as cascading curls. All to be sacrificed for a really stupid plan. They felt pretty bummed out about it.
Then Princess Sintheee appeared on deck, dressed in the outfit of a Barkon Space-barber. The ruling-class of the planet Bark.
“Fuck yeah!” yelled Sintheee. “This is where I finally get off!”
“Princess, you cannot disembark because this craft is moving and is not attached to a docking bay,” said the Groveltron 3000
“Shut up robot,” said Darg and Gorf, both sitting back and popping the tops off of two Warbangian Space-beers.
Princess Sintheee moved to the first girl who was whimpering. “Oooooh-eee, look at the hair on you, honey!” Sintheee yelled. “I think you need a trim.”
“You want a crewcut please, is that it?” Sintheee sat on the girl’s lap and pulled up her Barkian barbers smock to reveal that she was not wearing any space-underwear. She sat down on the girl’s naked leg and ground her moisture-muffin long and hard on her leg. “Ohhh yeah! Here it comes.”
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! the space clippers whirred and crunched as the girls long, flowing tresses fell on her naked body before spilling to the floor. Princess Sintheee was riding that leg like a Trantian space-bronco. With one hand she was fingering her clit and shaking like a Klapian tremor beast. With the other she was buzzing the girl’s flaxen tresses to stubble.
“This is unreal! I can’t believe we’re watching this!” exclaimed Darg.
“I know,” said Gorf. “I mean, she can be a pain in the ass but it’s times like these when it makes it all worthwhile.”
Darg opened up a bag of Fritlolian corn chips and passed some to Gorf. “This is too cool,” said Darg.
“One down, 11 to go!” yelled Sintheee and approached the next girl who had beautiful red curls to her thighs. Sintheee straddled her legs in the same way and said, “I’m gonna dig doing you,” and planted a wet kiss on her mouth while running her fingers through the curls.
“Pardon me,” said Gorf as he unbuttoned his pants and pulled out his Carthon mating-member. “Time to punish the palchek!” he grinned.
“Ohh gross,” exclaimed Darg. “Don’t tell me you’re going to choke the chorlap?”
“Hey, Im a warrior. I get tense. I have to relieve my tension somehow.” Gorf pulled out his large furry, stiff, member and began punching it in the rhythmic fashion of a Burlagian Boxer. Baba da babada babada babbada.
Sintheee was roughly grabbing the girl’s red curls and ploughing through them with her clippers. Years of growth hit the floor. Sintheee was tossing her head back and groaning like a Harpian Karquop. Soon the red-head was shorn like a slave. Sinthee picked up the pile of curls and smelled it. “Mmmmmmm,” she said, rubbing her bush with it. “I love being a Princess!”
Gorf, meanwhile, was spanking the sparthok like a champ. “Ohh fuck me. This is great!” Sintheee was on the floor now demanding that her servant girls lick her Tartanian taco like it was a blue plate space-special. Two long-haired babes obliged and dove in like pros. Sintheee cropped with wild abandon. The heads of the women between her legs were soon shorn of their glory and Sinthee grunted. “Oh… Jiminy Space Fuckin’ Cricket, I’m gonna COME!”
Gorf, watching the ordeal, groaned himself. “Crap-all-mighty, I’m about to unload too, Daddi-oh! Ohhhh yeah!”
Gorf’s mating-member coiled up and fired a small solid projectile at unbelievable speed! “Ohoooooooooo!” he yelled
Unexpectedly the Carthon come projectile struck the Groveltron 3000 in the face and pierced its head. Blam! Its head exploded into flame and it staggered back, collapsing onto the control panel.
Blaaark! Blaaark! Blaaark! The fire warning lamp of the ship went off. “Prepare to abandon ship! Prepare to abandon ship!” the loudspeakers blared. There was a mad panic as all of the crew rushed to the escape pods.
At the door of the last pod Darg looked back at his ship. “It’s sad to lose you. But if that means I don’t have to fight, then see ya later!” He closed the hatch and pressed the button as the pod shot out into space.